Every week I’ll share with you five random thoughts, blurbs, points, tips, or facts.
In today’s first part of Gimme Five, I want to highlight the thing each one of us may struggle with. Relationships. Ever wondered what Cheryl Cole’s big deal was about with “Fight for this Love”? There are some hidden truths about men and women which don’t get enough emphasis when it comes to relationships. But now, here’s your chance to find out the secrets. So, if you’re stuck and want to fight for your love, take a deep breath – we need you to pay close attention on the key contrasting areas of the two sexes that can help improve your relationship!
We are two different kinds. Hence the ‘Man’ and the ‘Woman’. We look different from each other, so our perceptions are also different. Without understanding and accepting that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. In a relationship, whether it’s been 5 years or 5 months, we usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth no matter how much we think we know them. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to want what we want and feel the way we feel when the fact remains – we are different, worlds apart as John Gray has famously put in his book “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars” and the following information is from that idea. You’ll realise there is a lack of understanding between the two kinds, that’s all.
If you’re feeling stuck and think your relationship isn’t going anywhere – do not despair! Here are five key differences between how a man and woman think. Know these, and you’ll be better equipped with knowledge on how to get the best from your opposite sex.
1. Talking
A woman loves to talk, even if it’s just her expressing her feelings. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions even if you might think what’s the point. It makes her feel better – end of. And when men don’t talk, women need to realise constant intrusion or trying to get them to talk doesn’t help. Men will talk when they are ready – end of. If you don’t understand the following 5 points, a conversation may feel one-sided, hopeless and turn into an argument instead:
Why Men Don’t Talk And Go Into Their Cave
1. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem.
2. He doesn’t have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say “Gee, I don’t have an answer. I need to go into my cave and find one.” Other men assume he is doing just that when he becomes quiet.
3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn’t want to do or say anything he might regret.
4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love. At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs them of their power.
5. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off.
Why Women Talk and Talk and Talk
Women talk for a variety of reasons. Sometimes women talk for the same reasons that men stop talking. These are five common reasons that women talk:
1. To convey or gather information. (This is generally the only reason a man talks.)
2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say. (He stops talking to figure out inside what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud.)
3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset. (He stops talking when he is upset. In his cave he has a chance to cool off.)
4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A Man stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself.)
5. To take the weight off their shoulders. A woman doesn’t necessarily mean to shove it onto your shoulders for you to deal with.
2. Different Languages – Lost in Translation
Men and Women speak and interpret words differently and unless we do not keep this in mind, we are bound to suffer especially in a relationship. She says something, he takes it wrong. He says something, she takes it wrong. This is the most common cause of conflict.
A ‘literal’ translation of a woman’s words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information, rather than talking about feelings. We can also see how a man’s responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally misunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate what they have heard. Because many men don’t understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner’s feelings. This leads to arguments.
Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman often discovers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes.
But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently “mull over” or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it. This process could take from minutes to hours, even days for the most unfortunate girls out there. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all!
Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying “I don’t know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it.” Instead what they hear is “I am not responding to you because I don’t care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding.”
Example:
Woman says: “Everyone ignores me” – translated into Man speech this means “Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I feel as though nobody sees me. Of course I’m sure some people see me, but they don’t seem to care about me. I suppose I am also disappointed that you have been so busy lately. I really do appreciate how hard you are working and sometimes I start to feel like I am not important to you. I am afraid your work is more important than me. Would you give me a hug and tell me how special I am to you?”
Without this translation, when a woman says “Everyone ignores me” a man may hear “I am so unhappy. I just can’t get the attention I need. Everything is completely hopeless. Even you don’t notice me, and you are the person who is supposed to love me. You should be ashamed. You are so unloving. I would never ignore you this way.”
So, a man doesn’t need to feel blamed or criticized when a woman ‘complains’. He begins to understand the way women think and feel. He learns that these kinds of dramatic phrases are not to be taken LITERALLY. They are just the way women express their feeling more fully. That’s the way women naturally work and men need to remember that.
3. Values
Men value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills, from anything big or small. Their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment. Women value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.
Women, what do you do? Understand that men are more interested in objects and things rather than people and feelings. It’s just the way they are built, they can’t change it. So don’t try and change them or always tell them what and how to do things, but rather accept and show you appreciate it. When a man doesn’t feel he is making a positive difference in someone else’s life, it is hard for him to continue caring about his life and relationships. He needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted for who they are in order to be more considerate to what matters to you.
Men, what do you do? Understand that women are made to be carers, lovers, nurturers. Do not question her feelings or try to figure out a solution when she is talking about her feelings. Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished. She doesn’t need a Mr Fix It to fix her, she just needs his presence and comfort.
4. Dealing with Emotions
We also deal with stress and emotions differently and it affects the way we act and speak to each other. Here are the kinds of feelings men and woman use to battle other feelings.
1. Men may use anger as a way of avoiding the painful feelings of sadness, hurt, sorrow, guilt, and fear.
2. Men may use indifference and discouragement as a way of avoiding the painful feelings of anger.
3. Men may use feeling offended as a way of avoiding feeling hurt.
4. Men may use anger and righteousness as a way to avoid feeling afraid or uncertain.
5. Men may feel ashamed to avoid anger and grieving.
1. Women may use concern and worry as a way of avoiding the painful feelings of anger, guilt, fear and disappointment.
2. Women may fall into confusion as a way of avoiding irritation, anger, and frustration.
3. Women may use feeling bad as a way of avoiding embarrassment, anger, sadness, and regret.
4. Women may use fear and uncertainty as a way of avoiding anger, hurt, and sadness.
5. Women may use grieving to avoid feeling angry and afraid.
5. Pain
Ever wonder why she is so sensitive, even over little things? It’s not just about feelings. Men and women perceive pain differently. And this may have quite a lot to do with why women are more sensitive than men, not only emotionally but physically. It is, like the previous differences, the way we are built and we can’t change it but we can become more understanding about it.
In studies, women require more morphine than men to reach the same level of pain reduction. Women are also more likely to show their pain and to seek treatment for their pain than men are. The area of the brain that is activated during pain is called the amygdala, and researchers have discovered that in men, the right amygdala is activated and in women, the left amygdala is activated. The right amygdala has more connections with areas of the brain that control external functions while the right amygdala has more connections with internal functions. This difference probably explains why women perceive pain more intensely than do men – so guys, don’t ask your lady why she is so sensitive, it’s in her DNA.
Last but not least – we still attract each other. Despite all our differences, we love each other like crazy and that’s because we are meant for each other. Men are fascinated with women and likewise. Where Men are hard, the Women are soft. Where Men are angular, the Women are round. Where Men are cool, the Women are warm. In a magical and perfect way our differences seem to compliment each other – we aren’t meant to think or react the same. But we can try and understand each other better.
So starting from today, you can try and remember these things: Seeing things from the other’s perspective is vital. Tolerating their natural characteristics is vital. Your partner is a partner, therefore you are a team. They are not solely responsible for making you happy – first you need to realise it takes effort on both sides. Don’t be afraid to accept no for an answer – he or she will not always be perfect. Love isn’t about changing who you are, it’s about understanding and accepting each other within reason, trust and respect. However, if you both feel you cannot accept each other then it’s the time to let them go.
You can prevent a break-up, a fight, a meaningless argument and other usual relationship bugs. You’ll discover that a deeper understanding will develop between you both and it will make your bond stronger. You will begin to notice it’s the little things that can make the big difference and what seemed impossible may not really be impossible at all.
Take care and see you next week!