My wild and reckless 21-year-old sister announced a shock engagement – with a date less than 3 months away. My response; blind panic.
As a perpetually single lady, attending any family event is essentially an interrogation into my personal life, which ends in either tears or tequila.
Going alone was not an option- the challenge to find a date to my sister’s wedding was on.
A similar situation happens in the Wedding Date. Jilted Deborah Messing finds herself desperately searching for plus one to her sister’s do. She hires a dashing male escort to accompany her to the wedding, he enchants her dysfunctional family and they end up falling in love.
Unfortunately, having not the financial capability to resort to such an extravagant solution (plus where would one even begin to look for a male prostitute?) I took to the internet for help.
So, here’s what I did…
Step 1: Download everything
I did what most millennials would do; I turned to my phone. Frantically downloading every app under the sun, I began to swipe. Scarred by a couple of catfishes and a dick pic, I immediately deleted any app that didn’t verify pics and turned off my phone for about three days.
Step 2: Did not call ex-boyfriend
I totally didn’t call my ex-boyfriend in a blind panic. Nor did I go through to voicemail. I definitely didn’t leave a message or use the word ‘boo’. Let’s move on yeah.
Step 3: Delete dodgy dating sites and download one decent one.
With time running out, I returned back to my phone. I’d heard about Badoo, a dating app that is apparently the biggest in the world. Having 360 million users, I lived in hope that at least one would be able to survive a day socialising with my family. Plus, its use of verified pics meant it would be dick pic free. Hurray.
Step 4: Be ballsy
I have friends who use dating apps as little more than entertainment during the ads on 4OD, thoughtlessly swiping. Having no time to wait for a match, Badoo allowed me to speak directly to boys I fancied – a ballsy move which I had only ever attempted when four glasses down on a bottle of Sauve. But as they say, no guts, no glory.
Step 5: Experiment
Opening lines are tough. As the first impression, you give your potential date, a misplaced emoji or poorly thought out pun can be the difference between finding a date for your sister’s wedding, or getting a big fat pie in the face. So I tried out a few different options.
I perhaps came on a little too strong, to begin with.
And again…
And again…
Step 6: Update Profile
Whilst my direct chats were leading to dead ends, my profile was getting plenty of views (another feature I liked about Badoo!) This prompted me to change my approach, laying all my cards out on the table in my opening bio…
Step 7: Sorting the wheat from the chaff
To my surprise, offers steadily began to fly in. Ok, so some of them were questionable. Rocking up to the wedding with 47-year-old Michael would possibly not go down all that well (I may like an older man, but I’m pretty sure my dad does not).
Then I saw Ben; right age, good-looking, and most importantly, not a gym selfie in sight.
We started talking, and he seemed cool, and genuinely up for helping me out, which lead to step 8…
Step 8: Vetting
Ben was keen to help me out in my predicament, which made me nervous. Perhaps he was a psychopath? Or had an annoying laugh? So I organised video chat with him via the app- which involved only dressing from the waist up and staying in bed the whole time- the perfect date.
So with just 2 weeks to go before the wedding, I had achieved the impossible. I had managed to secure a high-quality date, and I didn’t even have to resort to paying him!
